They say the road gets narrower as you go along in recovery.  I believe that.  I think people make the mistake of thinking the road gets broader, that the longer you stay sober, the more you can "get away" with.  I feel that at this point I can get away with nothing.  I pay dearly for any deviation from the straight and narrow - any dishonesty, any malice, you get the idea.  So far, I have never paid the price of a drink.  I pray I never do. 

 

 

 

Years ago when I was unable to admit that I had a substance abuse problem, I needed proof that drinking was making my life unmanageable and I’d be better off without it. I remained in denial and therefore blind to the giant elephant in the room that was crapping all over my life.

I remember someone suggesting that I write a list of the pros and cons of using my drug of choice (alcohol) but obviously it could have been written about other addictive substance such as prescription drugs. So I wrote the list, but it was vastly different to the one I’ll write today basically because I was unwilling to see the truth about my disease.  In fact, instead of pros and cons, this new list is about ‘Old Ideas’ and ‘Reality’.  My old ideas kept me out there using for many years, thankfully now I’m able to see the truth:

Drinking gave me confidence… Reality – Booze dissolved any ‘filter’ that I may have had between my mind and my mouth.  I did and said what I wanted without concern for the consequences. I wasn’t confident, I was belligerent.

When I was drunk I felt more attractive… Reality – If puffy eyes, blotchy skin & slurred speech is attractive, I was your girl.

Booze calmed my nerves… Reality – My nerves were shot from drinking, I had withdrawal symptoms and alcohol stopped the shakes.

A nightcap before bed helped me sleep… Reality – I couldn’t sleep and a bottle of vodka usually did the job.

My friends thought I was the life and soul of the party and I was hilarious when I drank… Reality – Sure, I thought I was hilarious, but most people thought I was a mess, they laughed at me not with me. My friends walked on eggshells, dreading the inevitable scene that I’d make and talked about my drinking problem behind my back.

Alcohol helped me get through the day... Reality - I used alcohol to numb my senses so that I wouldn’t have to deal with life. Alcohol didn’t help me get through the day, it helped me hide from it.

My friends at the bar ‘got me’ ...Reality – My fellow ‘barflies’ didn’t give a shit about me, booze was all we had in common. Put it this way, there’s no way we’d be hanging out together and talking about our troubles over coffee.

Everybody gets drunk... Reality – Some people may over indulge on occasion, but most people don’t make a habit of drinking until they pass out.

I’d lose all my friends if I stop drinking… Reality – My real friends wanted me to stop and get help.

My life would be boring and dull if I didn’t drink… Reality – I didn’t have a life, alcohol was my life.